Editing page
This a page for the small group of alpha-editors to leave comments about any errors they see. Please copy+paste the full sentence that the error is located in, and specify what needs to be changed. Spelling/typo errors will be changed without consulting the original author. Grammatical and vocabulary suggestions will be conveyed to authors for their approval. Please sign your name when you leave a suggestion. p4 "Just like vhere I am now" should be "where". P8-9: Horizon thing at the bottom would look much better if it was expanded to take up all the space, ie not have borders around it. Italics on ship names aren't showing up in Blood on the Tracks. Also have another few edits I'd like to make, is it too late? P17, paragraph 2, needs a full stop after "hell." P20, "Except for you, who is so special, and so pure" P22, "The man placed a gloved hand on the hilt of the curved, broad sword at his side." Should be "broad, curved sword". Or "curved broadsword" (no comma.) Also, "sheathe" should be "sheath." P23, again, "broadsword". Page break thing looks like wet arse, change the *** to a line or something. And again on p26. P26. Do we want two stories on the same page? Would be a great space for a picture if we have one. Throughout this story there are line break faults, give it a runthrough, too many to list here. First is "and them" in the first line. P28, inconsistent formatting, lines are too close together at the bottom of the page. Also "Krishna: Well..." needs to be on a new line. P30, narrator bit shouldn't be centred. It might have been the author's intention, but it's stupid. P31 The title of the story is Hayley. The name is consistently spelled "Haley" through the story. Which is it? P32 "I have no understanding about Electricity" should be "I have no understanding of electricity" P33. Like A Disease. Are we going to have full caps for the opening phrases of all stories, or for none? One way or the other. I'd say cut the caps for consistency, they don't look good. Bottom of p33, "movies scenarios" should be "movie scenario". P34. Title on its own, shouldn't be. Put it on the next page. P35 "It had a long neck and a very large, huge, immeasurable." This is missing a noun. Shit, this story is full of stuff like this. Send it back to the writer with orders to make it make sense, or cut it altogether. P37. Horribly blurry, as mentioned before. Applies to whole story. Compression problems? P38. The same column is repeated. I doubt this is intentional. As favourites for the cover go, so far I liked Cain. Just pretentious enough. The whole zine is kind of blurry, also compression artifacts. What have we been using to shrink the pages? I'm sure it shouldn't look like this... I'm honestly not a huge fan of the double column format where it shows up. Good that it's a mix rather than just that, but it would be nice not to have it at all. It seems to be necessary for the little individual quotes - but are those necessary? The first story makes no sense to me. YMMV. More later... - Panzy The review appears on page 82 and 96. Guess it needs to be cut from 82. There are blank pages everywhere. In Warm, the second last sentence of the first paragraph in the second column there should be an 'I' between 'all' and 'can'. P66-67. The last line of The Tea House spills over to the next page. -Luco I can't seem to get the cut and paste fuction to work for me... I've retyped this out. I hope I didn't just add to the collective typos. P6, left column "I'm doomed to gaze upon that cursed and old decrypted old hag." I think they meant "decrepit" instead of "decrypted" P6 left column "I kept following her, saying out loud 'what are you some kind of colander for strange things?'" "What" should be capatilized, and there should be a comma after "you". As I look at this story, I see the capitolization mistake is made multiple times. When there is dialogue in the middle of a sentence, the first word of that dialogue should be capitalized. I can go and find all the instances where this is wrong if you like, but if it's an easy fix with your program, I didn't want to clutter up the edit page with it. p7 I don't know how many hours I carted back and forth, but it must have been the most time spent doing anything in this story - "how many hours I carted back and forth" sounds like he was literally carting hours somehow. I think the sentence should be reworded. Also, and this is a minor quibble, but If you're distributing this in PDF format, I dislike the colums. It makes me scroll up and down alot, and is kind of annoying, as it completely breaks the rhythym of my reading. But hey, that's just me. P8 "It seems providence that I should come back to this place." That just sounds funny. I think "provident" instead of "providence" would work better. Other than that you could add "the work of" before providence. p8 "There is a wet, earthy riot of smells, wet and earthy like..." redundant, needs rephrasing, or synonyms. p10 That red handprint is very small. Since no babies die in the story, it is upsetting to my logic. P12 "He always wore a sword and broom-handed machine pistol on his hip, beneath huge red greatcoats swimming in gold braid and he had grown a big bushy beard and moustache to hide his pale, clever face" This is a bit of a run-on, and is in need of a few more commas. "He always wore a sword and broom-handled machine pistol on his hip, beneath huge, red greatcoats swimming in gold braid. He had grown a big, bushy beard and moustache to hide his pale, clever face" P12 "...were festooned with the trophies of victories without number; frost-goggles, ..." That semi colon should maybe be a colon, but I'm not entirely certain. I think even a period would work better than the semicolon. P16 There's a funny blank space at the top of the second column. This story was interesting, but I found many of the sentences to be a bit wordy and hard to follow. Strangely, I could only find one that was absolutely a run on. However, it might be good if the author is willing to go through and cut a few of his sentences in half. the cut and paste started working again on P18. Strange. P18 Eventually I hit him with a rock and he ran off screaming, so I guess I yielded my first victory there, too.- I don't think "yielded" fits in this context. P19 “I don't think you're particular afterlife exists outside my own head.” your, not you're. Cain: I have no idea what this was about. I liked the writing, but couldn't puzzle out what kind of creature the narrator or the object of his affection was. P22 It skid across the tiled floor before landing up against a cargo crate - Skid should be skidded P23 Just as the airlock closed behind them, they came.- the author might want to revise this, unless he doesn't mind everyone getting a cheap laugh at this sentence. In any case, the They and Them would seem to refer to the same person, and I suppose the author doesn't mean it that way. P26 Harford halted his rain of attacks, his blade pressed up against his foes, their faces soclose together they could smell each other’s breath, could see the grime on each other’s teeth through gritted teeth.- lose the "through gritted teeth. It would be redundant if it made any sense. P26 Harford kicked the pirate in the gut, who grunted in pain, - this is worded awkwardly. replace the "who" with "and he" perhaps. P27 flicker. Armond drove into her, over and over. She gasped andhe grunted, louder and louder until his body twitched, over and over.- the phrase "over and over" is used twice in two consecutive sentences. I respect it may be intentional and stylistic, but it comes off as a repetitive typo. if it is a stylistic thing, do it with one more sentence either before or after these two, and the audience will know it was intentional. Two things does not create a pattern. The ending of this story was very surprising, but I really want to see what happens next... P28 God: Oh I’m sure you do. Here, take it him $20 I’ll be in my office if you need me. Jesus: Don’t worry, I won’t.- Jesus needs to start on a separate line. P29 Jesus: “In my culture” nothing! Don’t be such a pussy dude. Just smoke it and relax. Krishna: Well… pushes the joint to Krishna’s mouth then knees him in the ribs making him gasp for air. - same here, with Krishna P29: Krishna: Dude. Jesus: What? Krishna: Dude. Jesus: What!? Krishna: Dude! Jesus: What the fuck is it!? -either the dialogue is kept on the same line as the name, or it isn't. Please do not change back and forth between the two. This story has another case of having multiple instances of the same mistake. There are lots of paragraph formatting errors, with two characters speaking on the same line without a break, or dialogue having strange breaks in the middle, and other similar issues. Again, I will be happy to point out every one of them if you like, but I don't want to cause undue clutter. Hayley was an interesting story, but I felt like it stopped just when it really got moving. P33 Miraculously, this leaves the rest of your clothes unscathed from the necessary electrical discharge you would get from instantly destroying your article of clothing - I can hazard a guess as to what the sentence is trying to say, but it could be clearer. P33 The ‘tick’ or ‘ting’ sound you hear from the dryer is actually the static getting into your sock, and completely destroying them.- Either "sock" should be "socks" or "them" should be "it". P34 Maybe you can even teach them your methods, since we all know having no socks truly “socks”.-I'm sorry, but this line is incredibly, painfully, cringe-inducingly lame. P 34 We probably are, by Dr. Richard’s studies, less than thirty-two thousand pure humans around the globe.- "We" should be "There" p34-35 Right now, some of our people might be dying. Funny thing is, every human on the planet who has not succumbed to the darkest path is “our people” these days- "is" should be "are" P35 To us, the survivors, it’s the moment when we leave our hidings spots and actually get to play the hunter’s role for a change. - Hidings should be hiding More than a mark, more than the sole omen of a future hope. Friday night is the time we do more than just run away or fight back in the worst case scenario.- The first sentence isn't really a sentence. It could be combined with the second sentence, but that doesn't make much sense, either. You could proably just lose that first sentence altogether, really. P35 Make the pain they made us feel worth. - This needs an "it" at the end, I think. Unless the author is trying for something else with this sentence, in which case it should be reworded. P35 Friday night is the Human Night.- this doesn't need a "the". what makes Friday such a big deal? So they go out and kill zombies, isn't that what everyone would be doing every day, in some form or another? Isn't that what happens in a zombie apocalypse? Also, if you're going to hint at some big zombie killing scene, and not describe the battle, that's just disappointing. I like zombie stuff, but I didn't really like this story, it was just a page of "hell yeah, lets go bag us some undead." My Glass of Water- I agree with Luco, half of these sentences just don't make any sense. It seems like there was some sort of story, here, but it was translated badly from another language or something. From page 36 to page 50 in my copy is blank. I don't know if that's the way it was sent or not. at page 50, I'm no longer able to cut and paste text again. P53 I don't know if something happened while you were formatting the text, or if it's the author's fault, but I really feel like I missed something between the bottom of the first column and the top of the second column. Actually, I'm finding a lot in this story that seems like a non-sequitur, I don't understand how the paragraph at the bottom of the second column on p53 follows, either. I think a lot in this story needs some tightening up, and needs to improve it's flow. If the author wants to do this as a serial, it could do well, but this needs a lot of revising. If I had a text copy I could annotate, I could probably do a lot more editing.but in general: 1) I understand that this is meant to be a very personal story, but it occasionally strays into just cliched and emo. we could use less "no one understands me, no one pays attention to me" and hear more precise thoughts from the main character. "No one pays attention to me" is very vauge. Explain what sort of ignoring the main character gets, which leads into 2) This is almost all telling, I don't understand where most of the character's feelings are really coming from. Show us his girlfriend breaking up with him, show us what else in his life is so terrible, specifically. What are his parents like, that he is so miserable about them? 3) The flow of this needs some serious fixing, there are places I'm not sure what's going on, or I feel like I missed a paragraph or something. I'm not sure if this is some kind of error in the pdf making process, I'm inclined to think so with the repeated column of text, but the omissions aren't as blatant, and could simply be the author being ADD 4) If this is going to be a serial, it needs to hint at the next part a little more, and make me interested in seeing what's going to happen next. In all, this has a lot of potential, and could make a good serial. I really liked the beginning, the way it talked about stories, but the author has yet to make me give a crap beyond that. I think that maybe you should send this back to the author, tell him to fix some of these points (hell, I'll help him if he wants) and maybe debut this in the next issue. P56- The bag kept out most of the smell... - in this case wouldn't it be the bag kept IN most of the smell? P56 His flesh of deep wrinkles made me nauseous.- This sentence is strange. Perhaps "His deeply wrinkled flesh made me nauseated." P56 He looked away, an appalled look crawling on his face - this needs a "to" after the "on" Also, the sentence uses both "looked" and look, which is a bit repetitve. But that's a minor quibble. I would find a synonym for one of them. P57 "I stopped and kept moving" - there needs to be something after "stopped" like, "I stopped talking to myself and kept moving." P57"How I did not notice them before, I blamed on my initial shock when I met Clarence"- clunky sounding. Perhaps "I'm not sure how I did not notice them before, I guess it was the initial shock of meeting Clarence." There are a lot of variations that the author could use. P57 Clarence was on the piano chair, staring lovingly at George his father, who leaned against the piano.- there should be a comma between "George" and "his" P58 "If I went down to the "Basmint," I would find it full of Clarences" -What's up with the "Basmint" thing? P59 "There were nine wounds on her, each stained around it with old blood"- Another sentence that's just awkwardly phrased. You could probably take out the "around it"or rework the sentence a few other ways. P60 ..."Where George and me ("I")...- Looks like there were some corrections made to this manuscript that were not incorporated. Though to be fair, since this is a first person narrative, the Main character doesn't always have to be grammatically correct, so you could either take this correction or leave it. I can cut and paste again P65 It's not like I ever catch anything, however. But it doesn't matter.- lose the however P65 When I examined closer, - When I examined it closer P65 In the man’s pocket I found a driver’s licence. That licence belonged to one Fredrik LaSilva.- License is spelled wrong, twice, and there should be a comma between pocket and I in first sentence. P65 The picture looked similar, but still quite different from the body before him.- The phrase"the body before him" at the end of this sentence doesn't make any sense. I'm not sure what the author means. It's almost like he slipped out of first person mode for a second. P66 You should probably forget this whole thing ever happened. I want a good, clean finish to this whole thing.- "Whole thing" used twice, in two consecutive sentences. Please reword. P67 He’s shod in beige boots with tints of white.- The meaning of this sentence is unclear. I'm not sure what the author means by "tints of white" I think maybe white tinted streaks or something of the sort, but it kind of doesn't make any sense. P67 He lifts the seats of the couch looking for something. The seat lands on his beard.- I'm not sure I'm understanding this sentence right, but if I am then I don't understand how physics can permit this to happen. P68 I watch, but he is not bothered by the stickiness of the jar as he opens it. I can be petty. In fact it was because I wanted to listen to my song on that damn other CD, why don’t I have a six CD changer or an MP3 audio input for my car? No longer taken aghast by the honey, Abibilu lifts the jar up. - wait, what? I don't get the second and third sentences, or why they're there.I get that the author is trying to give us some background on the evidence he's trying to get rid of, but these are just badly placed and confusing. Also, the second sentence is a run-on. There should be a period instead of a comma after CD. P68-69 It will soon be day; the charade needs to end. We have to get rid of the evidence. I get it you’re a bee keeper or something, the bees are gone. But Abibilu do you not think that this has gone too far? Who cares about the bees for god’s sake? You were sent here because I’m in need!’ - There's an ending quotation mark, but not a beginning one. I'm not entirely certain where a beginning one would go. Also, WTF to this whole story. Cut and paste is gone again P 72 They lead me into the rec room filled with people with some really fucked up problems. "really fucked up problems" is kind of awkward, but not horribly so. P73 There's a bunch of blank space here, I have no idea if this is intended or not. P73 however, his skin was crawl every time he heard something:- "His skin was crawl" is not right. You could reword it a few ways, "his skin crawled" is the easiest, but there are a few other ways you could go about it. This next story is filled with wierd, clunky, overexplanitory sentences. I'll pick out the worst of them, and try to propose a rewording, but the author might want to consider another full-on revision. Also, this story seems to be one large paragraph with no breaks. It needs some. P74 for one had heard a dozen times before.- Awkward, and I'm not sure what the author is trying to convey. P74 but it was not a cause of reaction for any of the men there.- Awkward phrasing "It didn't cause any of the men to react" is a possiblity. P74 As it sat in my mouth I then noticed that my situation was truly different.- "As the cigarette sat in my mouth I noticed how different my situation was." P74 He was complaining about the smell. and it was brought to his attention that I was the prime mover of the smoke. - This has a period after "smell," which should be a comma. Also "prime mover of the smoke" sounds like Engrish. P74 He realized the stupidity of the move. and almost backed down in sight of the six bullets that would inevitably take his life.- "in sight of" should be "at the sight of" P75 Then (I've noticed that you like to start out a lot of your sentences with 'Then'. It does kind of add to the pace, making it read a little faster, but you should be careful not to do it too much. It comes off as grammatically incorrect, making sentences seeming like fragments. A lot of the sentnences where you use this could actually be merged with the sentence prior to them.) -a note from another editor that got included in the copy somehow. P75 he picked up the Springfield and handed it to Wilson and took two of the scatterguns and gave them to Dylan and Dorsey in turn and, stepping up on the bumper to lean in, he lifted up out the tommy gun and pulled up a sling bag from the well of the trunk with it. -this is a huge run-on and needs to be broken into smaller chunks. P76 and bite his lip, thinking (Bit his lip in thought?). Another note that got left in As I'm going, I'm finding lots of these notes. The author also hasn't made the corrections mentioned in them, most of which I think are pretty sound. Send this back to the author, have him make the corrections and remove the notes. ...more coming -Nimue the mighty